Reality

Old joke but read the ending commentary.

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motor Co.)
decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams
practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the
race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate
the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of
senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate
action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people
rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a
consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second
opinion.


They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat,
while not enough people were rowing.


Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent
another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure
was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.


They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2
people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called
the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and
free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles,
canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and
bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition'
and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting
programs and teamwork posters.


The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted
development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all
capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed
to the Senior Executives as bonuses.


The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to
even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for
unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next
year's racing team was out-sourced to India

Sadly, the End.



Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty
years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't
make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen
plants inside the US The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in
losses.




IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

Key

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches 'Can I help you sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr' the man replies.

The cop asks 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key' the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see..

He asks the man 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused,the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out...........

'Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!'

Important Announcement

DUE TO RECENT BUDGET CUTS, THE RISING COST OF ENERGY AND THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL MELTDOWN, THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF!   WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

Monkeys

Subject: Monkeys

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced
that he would buy monkeys for $10 apiece.
The villagers knew there were many monkeys around,
so they went into the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to
diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.  He further
announced that he would now buy at $20.

The villagers renewed their efforts and started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started
going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so depleted that it was an effort to even see a monkey,
let alone catch it!

The man announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!
However, since he had to go to the city on some business,
his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers,
"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.
I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city,
you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers used every penny of their savings to buy the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man or his assistant ever again,
only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how Wall Street works.

You have been maried too long when:

Three women  friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a  long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually  drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much  discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some sexy role playing. The  following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl  leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my  boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had  left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings  and stiletto heels.. We made mad passionate love on  his desk right then and there!' The engaged  woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got  home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice,  black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so excited that we not only made  love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date! The  married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning..... I  made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a  long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into  a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch  stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action. When my  husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and  yelled "Hey, Batman, what's for  dinner?"

Liquid Assets

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you willhave $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,you will have $0.00 today.If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Wachovia Bank one year ago,you will have $71 today.But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank allthe beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, youwill have received a $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drinkheavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons ofalcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!Makes you proud to be an American!

MPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself
and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shynessand let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of
regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent youfrom living the life you want to live.Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past andyou will discover many talents you never knew you had.Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay.
Chardonnay may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not useChardonnay. However,women who wouldn't mind nursing orbecoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,delusions of grandeur, table dancing,headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke andplay all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.WARNINGS: -
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you
think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to thinkyou can sing.
The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believethat ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone themat four in the morning.
The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you
can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusionthat you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking
than most people.
Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Red.

FW: Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.

Post Turtle

http://tombergpaintings.com/

FW: The Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.' Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anythingdifferent NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hangingdown today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

FW: Life's Rules

Life's Rules

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content..

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.'

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.

12. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

13. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

14. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

15. No one ever says, 'It's only a game!' when their team is winning.

16. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

17. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

19. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

20. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up. You don't know where it's been.

FW: Why Parents Drink

Why parents drink A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion Dad ... she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your son, John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. .