FW: Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.

Post Turtle

http://tombergpaintings.com/

FW: The Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.' Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anythingdifferent NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hangingdown today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

FW: Life's Rules

Life's Rules

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content..

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.'

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.

12. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

13. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

14. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

15. No one ever says, 'It's only a game!' when their team is winning.

16. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

17. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

19. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

20. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up. You don't know where it's been.

FW: Why Parents Drink

Why parents drink A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion Dad ... she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your son, John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. .